Melantha’s Neighborhood

Monday this week was absolutely horrible for me. (Stop reading here, if you like, major rant ahead.)

I woke up at 6 and couldn't go back to sleep. I should have been able to sleep until ten but of course I couldn't. There was this exam I had to go to in another town. To get there I had to go by train and change trains in the middle. Well, going there was ok, but since I always try to be such a good girl, I decided to take the last train back, one that left forty minutes after the exam ended (not that we have to stay that long if we're already finished).

Guess what? I didn't need to stay the whole time, I was done after an hour and a half. To save money I had bought a ticket that I couldn't rebook. So when I got to the station, I asked if I could anyway and a real prat of a rail employee told me I could always buy a new ticket, without even looking at me.

Then I waited for nearly four hours, the last hour or so for a train that was delayed and the time of arrival kept getting updated, mainly online (I don't have one of those phones so I had to keep calling home to my sister). Getting on a train that was late made me miss the connecting train, and the one after that because hey, holding a train for about a whole minute is way too much trouble for them, apparently.

Then there was the cold. Did I mention the cold? I was so cold I almost broke my teeth. Couldn't control my jaws. It was so cold, my sister and my mom could hear it in my voice over the phone.

Where was I? Right. Missing my connecting train, meant going on a long detour to the coast, where we were supposed to rebook our tickets, because the railway people had forgotten that here in Sweden we get snow every year. This being such a tropical paradise, of course that's a natural mistake. NOT!

Someone must have complained, because later the guy came on the loudspeaker sounding a lot more sympathetic, saying we needn't bother about the rebooking, and just go on to the connecting train. (It might have had something to do with the fact that it was now close to 10 pm and customer service closed at 8 pm, but who knows?) All this was about half an hour after I should have been home.

So I got on the last train, without a valid ticket, but apparently someone had informed our conductor (or train host as they're called now, apparently) that there would be victims of the snow delay on her train, so she basically just checked I had some kind of ticket and that was it. Back again around 11.30 pm. Then a lovely brisk walk in the snow, on slippery streets to get home to a very late dinner.

On the bright side, I saw a very cute dog (a puli?) at one of the stations and a very cute and charming little girl of about two, and I won't have to study any more this year. It would be even better if I pass, but I won't find out for at least three weeks so I'll just focus on getting through the days without studying and worrying (about the exam anyway).

I've been so tired today I haven't felt up to doing any of the things I looked forward to doing, when I was studying every evening. I promised myself I'd read, write, translate, watch tv, listen to music... Now I almost (not quite) miss the studying, because it was something to do. I can always read, write (and so on) some other time.Which means I don't do it. I just sit, trying to keep warm. Did I mention the cold? I mean the cold inside the house, not outside. It's freezing in here. Oh, and the washing machine is probably broken, and we can't afford to buy a new one. Hello, the joys of learning to hand wash, like - well, a hundred years ago, or sixty.

Just a little reminder. The things I said in my last whiny post still go. It's just become a tiny bit easier to think about it.

Don't worry, this will probably take care of my need for whining until, at the very least, next year. LOL.

I think most Robin of Sherwood fans have already read my RoS fics, but for any of you who haven't already seen them, I thought I'd share them this week. That is if there's anyone still online this close to the holidays.

Rex - a cop's best friend (or Inspector Rex) might not be known to everyone - it's Austrian-German and it was a while since it was on, at least here - sometime in the late 1990's, but for those who do know about it and haven't checked out my fics before, you're welcome to take a look.

... despite everything. Millennium isn't very popular and I'm not sure where the inspiration for these fics came from, but here they are anyway. I suppose I'm nostalgic for the (relatively) good old days (read: the 1990's) and the fin de siècle ambiance.

My life is over. No, I'm not dead or even dying, at least not any more than we, all of us, are from the time we're born. In fact, using some definition of 'life' I might be around for a very long time more. Unfortunately, in my family, we tend to have very long 'lives'.

What I mean is, any hope I ever had of deriving any pleasure from life is gone. I should have seen it sooner, really. Like the smart little frog, I should have seen where this was going and given up and drowned. The stupid frog wins, someone saves him. No one's going to save me and frankly, I wouldn't want anyone else to save me. If I can't save myself, I don't want to be saved. And I can't. So, like I said. It's over.

You might ask what's changed since last night. Well, in a way, a lot of things have changed. It seems I will probably be stuck in this hell hole where I 'live' for - well, for as long as I 'live'. My one chance of getting out of here just vanished. I can't tell you exactly what happened, because it's still too painful. I don't even know the full circumstances yet. Chances are, I won't want to know.

Secondly, I had some other bad news. I can't tell you what that is either. You probably wouldn't understand, but it was the one thing I still had left to hope for, other than getting out of here.

It's time I face the facts. I'll never succeed in anything I try. I should have known sooner. I've been failing for more years than I like to remember. The truth is, I've never succeeded at anything after I left school.

Time to give up. Time to stop trying. Why should I set myself up for disappointment, when it's clear that nothing is ever going to work out? Each time I allow myself to hope, those hopes are crushed, sooner or later.

This time I should be smart and stop. Stop trying, stop hoping, stop hurting. Except that last one won't be possible. When I look at others around me the inevitable comparisons are going to show up. Why is she such a success when I'm not?

Of course, I only have myself to blame. I was born this way. Set up for failure from the time I was born. I've tried as hard as I've been able to try. As hard as someone like me is capable of. What a cruel joke.

I read somewhere that we, humanity, Earth, the universe, might just be one big simulation, created by some beings far more powerful than we are. In that case, i can only conclude that they did it out of spite. Doesn't everything seem like one big cruel, sadistic joke? To me it does.

So this is it. TIme to get smart. Time to finally learn from my life and take the consequences. Maybe it will hurt a little less if I stop trying.

This week I thought I'd share my Midsomer Murders fics. As usual, read the ratings and warnings.

This week I thought I'd share my Miami Vice fics. They're based on the tv series, not the movie. You might wonder why I write fanfics based on an old tv series. The answer is DVD:s. A couple of years ago I found some cheap DVD:s at the supermarket and decided to buy four of them (at a very good price). Two of them contained a couple of episodes of Miami Vice. Right away, I was hooked. I really need to see the rest of those episodes.

I found these on YouTube and couldn't choose between them. What a hottie he is.